Some thoughts on sexing up a middle-aged woman… or any woman, in fact.
Last week I joined Fetlife, the social networking site for kinksters. It’s very intentionally supposed to be a Facebook alternative, albeit one where women are allowed to post pictures that show their nipples. It’s not meant as a dating site, per se, but since part of your profile may well include what your kinks are and whether you are looking to meet someone, many people do tend to use it that way.
I have no real problem with that. I’ve said I’m looking for friends, but that doesn’t mean I’m not open to talking about sexual topics or to engaging in a bit of flirting. If I meet the right person, a playdate is a possibility. I’ve been on dating websites before and know the ropes (a little BDSM pun there). Women get attention on these sites. Some of it is cool and some of it is annoying, just like in real life. It got me thinking, however, about some of the weird stuff that guys have said to me in the past couple of years since James and I opened up our relationship. It seems like younger men really take the cake with this. Here are some of my favorites:
A couple of years ago we were with a really sweet and sexy guy in his late 20s named Brad. I don’t think he was used to being in a bedroom with another naked guy, but James and I only see other people together, and he said he was game, so there we all were. He was having fun, but having a little challenge staying hard. No problem; sex with new people can be a bit nerve-wracking and James sometimes jokingly calls me his “fluffer” because I know how to help him push past his own nerves if we are with a new woman.
In any case, I was working on Brad with my hands, while I kissed him, trying to get him to relax. “Wow,” he commented, “you really know how to use your hands. Like way, way better than other girls!” I refrained from pointing out to him that this was because I wasn’t actually a girl, I was a woman, or that I’d been having sex for more years than he’d been alive, but I did tell him, with a smile, that youth is wasted on the young.
I have a lot of years of handling cocks under my belt, but more than that, I bothered to read his cues about what he was most enjoying, rather than trying to replicate some move from porn or go down some mental checklist. I was paying attention to him, and to what seemed to actually feel good to him. This seemed like kind of a revelation to poor Brad, who once I got him hard, was flustered once again that I wanted to get on top. As beautiful and nice as he was, it kind of made me wonder about the quality of the sex he’d been having and confirmed for me that there is no real substitute for experience.
My first real come-on from someone on Fetlife was on my second day on the site. A younger guy wanted to webcam with me so that I could watch him masturbate. Maybe some people find that hot, but I have zero interest in watching some guy I don’t even know do that. I told him it really wasn’t my thing and expected that to be the end of it. Instead, I got something along the lines of, “C’mon lady, don’t you want to watch a young guy? I’m so horny and it’ll be hot.” In other words, I don’t give a rat’s ass about you as anything other than a facilitator for my orgasm. And you, as a middle-aged woman, should be honored that I want to share my young, hot body with you in any way.
I blocked him without another word.
Next came the naked profile picture stud, all of 24 years old, who told me that I should write erotica about HIS fantasies. I refrained from saying that I eat boys like him for lunch, and instead told him that I only write about my experiences and my fantasies, and he should go write about his own. I acknowledged that he was no doubt trying to be flirtatious, but also pointed out, yet again, that I’m not on that site to be someone’s “fuck-fodder” — a term I coined on the spot. In other words, I’m there to express my own sexual self, and not to be the unilateral facilitator of your good time. Women are not primarily in the world for the entertainment and enjoyment of men, and sometimes they need to be reminded of that.
I told hot-naked-boy that it was both the upside and the downside of women in mid-life that we know what we want but also what we don’t and most of us don’t pull any punches around that. I figured he’d either think I was a bitch and leave me alone or find my straightforward approach refreshing. He got back to me later in the day saying he didn’t have time for BS either and appreciated that I was so straightforward. We kept talking and he turned out to be a really interesting and cool guy. We kind of bonded over the rarity of getting to have a real conversation, with no games. More people should give that a try! If he and James and I can figure out some overlap in our largely non-congruent schedules, we’ve talked about me introducing him to the benefits of experience too.
According to this article, when OK Cupid tracked the age preferences of its users, it found that some men are affirmatively looking for women who are older than they are. I like men of all ages, but hey, that’s cool.
It’s easy to dismiss this attraction as a MILF fetish, but that, too, would be a stereotype — and in this case, a hollow one. Older women are more emotionally mature and self-confident, more steady and successful in their careers, more worldly and chill about the nature of the relationship, these men say. There’s also the part about women being more sexually adventurous as they age.
I can certainly attest to that part too. At this point in my life, I know who I am and what I’m about. I’m no longer attempting to play some role assigned to me by someone else and I’m not shy about saying what’s on my mind. I also know what I enjoy in bed and don’t really care if anyone else judges that, although I’ve never really had that happen (at least not to my face). I also know a lot about what my partners, both male and female, will probably enjoy. And as I said before, I bother to tune into them and find out if that is indeed the case.
Sex is a dance; a mutual expression of desire and connection interfaced between two or more partners. We are not each other’s living sex toys or “fuck-fodder.” People who want to have a memorable experience would do well to remember that. Young men with hard bodies sometimes think they are supposed to go about a mating dance in a certain kind of way, and that can lead to either clueless or downright selfish behavior. As with most things, being real, and being mentally and emotionally present, will lead to best results. And spending time with a woman who knows what she’s about couldn’t hurt either.