The secret to sexual spontaneity is… careful planning.
There’s a pernicious myth about sex. That it “just happens.” That everyone’s up for sex, all the time. That new and exciting bedroom activities are improvised on the spot, forged from the white hot furnace of our mutual sexual excitement.
None of this is really true.
Real life isn’t like a porn video, where you go from answering the door to orgasm in under 15 minutes. (If your life is like a porno, congratulations, you can stop reading now and get ready for your next fucking).
For the rest of us, we’d all like to be more spontaneous, to introduce new activities into our sexual relationships, to keep things hot and spicy. But what if you can’t think of anything?
It’s the lovers’ equivalent of writer’s block. You wrack your mind, trying to think up something kinkier, crazier or more intense. But that’s a tough challenge, and more often than not, you’ll find your mind going blank.
Don’t believe me? Then try this little experiment.
How many sex acts can you name?
Go on, just name them, say them aloud.
Soon, the images you summon to mind will run dry. You know there’s more, but you just can’t recall them. Dozens of ways to give oral sex. Hundreds of positions for fucking. That’s because our minds aren’t build for that kind of remembering. That’s why we have books and libraries and search engines. If we need to know something, we can just look it up.
Hence spicing things up doesn’t necessary mean an escalation of being ever kinkier and filthier; but taking inspiration from elsewhere, incorporating ideas you’ve found, rather than just made up there and then. It might not sound sexy, but advance planning is actually pretty hot.
So, what do I mean by planning? Where do you get ideas? And how do you incorporate them into your sex life?
I’m going to let you in on a little sex secret…
Take turns planning a Sex Night
Yes, put it in your diary. Good sex is important. Commit to it.
The idea of Sex Night is you and your partner will take turns being the instigator. If it’s your turn, you’ll gather ideas from pictures, videos and stories, source the necessary props, and then as the night unfolds, you’ll direct it, giving the appropriate instructions.
Taking turns being the instigator doesn’t mean you have to switch, (unless you both want to), so if one of you prefers to dom or sub, the instigator can plan activities accordingly: This is how I want you to dominate me, or this is how I want to submit to you. The point of taking turns is that both of you get to choose, and so introduce the other to activities that arouse you.
Here’s an example taken completely at random. It just happens to be at the top of my Tumblr feed right now.
He ties up his lover, blindfolds and puts headphones on her, playing music so she can neither see nor hear. Then he strokes her, gently. He kisses her lips and then her breasts. He gags her moans with his hand as he caresses her, then runs an ice cube down her body. Only when her vulva is hot and swollen does he soothe it with the ice. Only then does he pleasure her with his tongue.
All that, from a single post!
Note how none of these activities is particularly original, surprising or excessively kinky. It’s seeing the combination of several simple erotic activities that’s so inspiring, because they’re so simple we know we’d be able to intimate them ourselves.
You could share the post with your partner, and whisper: this is what I’m going to do with you tonight. Or, make it a surprise — and have them think you’re some kind of super-creative sexual mastermind. After all, the dirty little secret of Creativity is just being skilled at hiding your sources.
As you get more confident, you can use what you find as the basis for your own improvisations. If you like spanking, play the sound of a spanking scene through the headphones, let your partner imagine the scene they’re listening to, as if they’re in the same room facing the wall, waiting their turn. Every now and then, lift their headphones and whisper into their ear that they’ll be getting their bottom smacked soon.
Erotica and porn can be much more than mere masturbation material; each scene is a potential source of sexual inspiration. Find what arouses you both, and enjoy the journey of mutual discovery.
Be inspired and have fun…