How I completely lost my sex drive and found it again
Sex and Me
I was that teenager make-shifting sex toys out of nothing. My libido was through the roof before most girls were even thinking about it. It was triggered early and I’ve tried to suppress this beast for the past five to ten years.
Part of the suppression was my last relationship. We got along perfectly without one essential thing: sex.
It stopped happening for years and I suppressed my libido. Snuffing it out, choking it, until I almost completely lost it. At times I would end up crying, begging for us to just do this, to break this never-ending spell of no touching or intimacy.
We finally agreed this wasn’t enough for either of us. It was a relief and something amazingly mutual. We didn’t blame the other for any of the problems within our relationship. It ended up being an admission that we had merely drifted, changed, to a point we couldn’t repair. There was this constant attempt to ‘fix’ what the other partner wanted and it just wasn’t enough. This man and I are many things but we are never the person to change the other.
So, I am finally able to pursue and play like I’ve been dying to do, and it is a certain kind of wonderful.
How do you last like this?
People always ask me how I lasted so long without it. It’s a gradual progression, like that frog that is boiled alive within a pot. There’s an eventual raising of the temperature until finally you’re simmered alive.
This person I was with has allowed me to flourish with my independence. But, over the years I’ve needed more and denied it to myself. I kept saying that sex was something I could just get over. I tried to convince myself my libido was non-existent and we were okay.
There was merely a flicker of my sex drive left until last year. I completely stopped doing anything — even with myself, which is unheard of since I’ve always been that woman who has men ask her during the act:
“Do you ever stop?”
I write about sex because I absolutely love it. It is my best stress relief and puts me in a calmer, more grounded mindset. My breath being released in sighs repeats in my head later. Giving my body to another is a gift. They get to unwrap my clothes and expose my vulnerability. I love the sounds of a man getting enjoyment from what I’m doing.
It’s never occurred to me to have shame about my need, my absolute love of playing with others. Where our clothes come tumbling off and are ripped from our bodies. They touch me and read my skin like Braille, pausing where my breath sucks in like a black hole.
I’ve found it, their eyes say as they discover my weakest areas. My hair, my neck, ears, hipbone crevices, never touched by another until this moment. And holy fuck, do I love them pursuing my skin like a giant map with hidden treasure to plunder.
Teeth, lips, tongues devour the other like they are the most delectable thing in existence in this moment.
I hate being vulnerable, and giving up control is one of my worst fears. That’s what sex is to me — the opportunity to discover more about myself. And to have the best fun I can have in this crazy, messed up world.
