Part 34: The Last Frontier
The smell of bacon and coffee woke me, and after pulling on one of Elaine’s nighties, I stumbled into the kitchen and realised with a shock that it was way after nine o’clock.
‘Shouldn’t you be at work, Elaine?’
‘It’s Saturday, silly. I work all week and play all weekend.’
She was wearing a bra and a pair of French knicks, and the apartment was as warm as the toast she offered me.
‘I think we must have fallen asleep with you suckling.’
Elaine kissed me. ‘I can’t think of a better way to drift off.’
‘I only wish I had some milk to make your fantasy come true.’
She went into peals of laughter and kissed me again. ‘Don’t worry. You look ravishing.’
I followed her eyes and realised that one of the straps had fallen down, leaving my right boob on display, but when I pulled it up it fell down again, so I left it there. ‘Did you have a chance to work out what is behind my fantasy?’
Elaine put a plate before me. ‘I have another of my own now.’
‘And what is that?’
‘I want to smear bacon all over your breasts, smother them in marmalade, and lick them clean.’
It was my turn to laugh. ‘Really?’
‘Well why not?’ she replied, in mock seriousness. ‘Besides, I forgot to get an extra loaf of bread. It’s not as if I have Toby around to sort out all the boring domestic stuff.’
‘Touché. Poor Toby. I wish I hadn’t put him in such a fix. If only I knew how to make it up to him.’
‘It is all part of life, girl, the only trick to it is to make sure that you don’t light up the stop and the go signs at the same time.’
‘I have certainly done that,’ I mused, taking a sip of coffee.
‘It’s too easy, we all do it.’
‘So what about my dream, then?’
Elaine took her cup in both hands and leaned her elbows on the table. ‘I shouldn’t just tell it to you like this — it ought be something that I help you find out, but I think you are ready now.’
She pursed her lips. ‘There isn’t that much difference between what drives you in relationships and the breast feeding lady, when it comes down to it. Both of you get high on the happy hormones, except that you use sex to do it, while she breast feeds her hubby. But it is the same deal — all about oxytocin. Some experts say that depending on sex to boost your mood and your self-confidence is a risky strategy, but in your circumstances, I wouldn’t say so.’
‘So if I breast fed you, then I would feel happier?’
Elaine grinned. ‘Probably, but it would be seriously inconvenient for the pair of us, not to mention the fact that there are more practical ways of getting there.’
‘What’s with the dissolving dress on the rainy night?’
‘Ohh, that’s just an old, old fear. Some people have it more strongly than others. I have only seen it once or twice in people as successful as you, but then again, maybe the others haven’t told me everything. Some call it imposter syndrome. It is a fear of being found out, or of being exposed. Another way of putting it is that it is a fear of being shown up as the failure that you have always worried you might be. It almost certainly explains why you are lost in the dream, and why you can’t find your car either — in the dream you are just a dumb brunette whose only asset is a big chest. Trading sex for protection goes back to the ark.’
Unconsciously, I hugged my boobs. ‘Ted used to make me feel like that. He drained my confidence. His father was even worse and his mother was a complete bitch.’ I allowed myself a guilty grin at the memory.
Elaine put her head on one side.
I thought I might as well tell her. ‘Ted’s dad thought he could buy anything, even me. So I lured the old letch into a greenhouse, gave him his first and last experience of anal sex, and made him lick my arse clean afterwards. Then I accidentally left my dirty knickers in his wife’s lingerie drawer.’
Elaine lowered her head and her shoulders shook with laughter.
‘Wow, you are not to be messed with. When did your dream begin?’
I stared at her. ‘Not long after I finished with Ted…’. My voice trailed away.
‘I think Ted knocked more out of you than you knew at the time,’ replied Elaine, draining her coffee. She came round and stood behind me, massaging my shoulders.
‘So where do Sue, Liam, Angela and Toby fit,’ I asked, hoping I was not about to hear the answer that I dreaded I might.
‘I think you already know that,’ Elaine replied softly.
I took a deep breath. ‘Does that mean I have to finish with them? How would I ever explain it to Toby? I know I made a mess of it, but I love having him around, and I can’t just throw him out, Elaine.’
She sat down next to me and ran her fingers through my hair. ‘You don’t have to do anything like that. Don’t forget that you did a wonderful thing for Toby when you took him in, but then the imposter took over and put him in an absolutely impossible place. Toby loves you, but the imposter won’t give you the confidence to let yourself love him back. You unlocked the cage that his father forced him to live in, and then you replaced it with an even more sophisticated trap than the one you used on his grandfather.’
With a shock, I realised that I had had sex with three generations of the same family. ‘You mean, I am confusing Toby by not having sex with him?’
‘No, not at all, the problem is that you are sometimes having sex with him. Think about it Tabby, you rescued this poor guy from his worst nightmare, and then you proceeded to give him half of his heart’s desire, while you dangled the other half just out of reach. You encouraged him to live as a woman in your house, and even let him borrow your underwear, you wander around half naked, and then you quite openly have sex with everybody but him. Face it, Tabby, you are built like Venus — if you make my mouth water, imagine what it does to him, poor boy. Unlike everyone else, he only gets to have sex with you once in a blue moon, and as far as I can see you don’t give him the vote about when. To be honest, Tabby, most people in that position would have gone quietly insane.’
‘But it isn’t straightforward, Elaine! I am having an affair with his mother, don’t forget!’
‘Has Sue raised any objections?’
‘Admittedly, no. She was the one who brought him to me in the first place.’
‘Has Angela raised any objections?’
‘No, but she is a lesbian.’
‘The pair of us slept together last night, so what does that make you and I?’
I buried my head in my hands. ‘Now I know why so many people stick to monogamous relationships. The worst business deal I ever did was easier to close than this.’
‘But it isn’t complicated, Tabby. Angela has got it right, and she is much wiser about relationships than you give her credit. She might prefer sleeping with you, but she enjoys sex with Toby too, and the important thing is that she gives him an equal say in when. Why do you think she behaves that way?’
‘Because being bedded by a guy wearing a bra turns her on? I have no idea.’
‘Don’t get cross at her because she is supporting him — don’t forget that she has to cross an even bigger bridge than you do. Besides, I have asked her.’
‘And the answer was?’
‘…that he makes her feel good, and because of that she wants to make him feel good too, so that he can make her feel even better. Which she does because she isn’t held back by the feeling that she is an imposter, and the reason for that is because you gave her the self-confidence to feel otherwise. Give Toby the same deal that she gets and you will square the circle.’
I pulled up the errant nightie strap, and it fell down again.
‘The final piece of the puzzle,’ Elaine added, ‘is that if you believed in yourself as much as you do in Sue, and Angela, and to a very large extent in Toby, then your life wouldn’t be complicated any more.’
‘You left yourself out of that equation. I need you in it.’
She kissed me. ‘And as much as you believe in me, then.’
‘So the bottom line is that insecurity has driven me to success, and the only reason my sex life is a mess is because I am afraid of oxytocin? Or of being happy? Or of helping Toby to be confident in being himself?’
‘I hadn’t thought of putting it that way, but yes, that is more or less right. You appear to have the perfect setup here, and everybody involved is easy with it but you. The reason you can’t be happy is because of a hex that a guy put on you ten years ago — which the imposter that Ted planted inside you is taking out on his son.’
‘Oh god, what have I done? I think I need a hug.’
Elaine gave me a look. ‘I think we had better go back to bed.’
After we had stripped off, I lay with my head on her tummy, the soft swell of her pubes tickling my nose. ‘I am not so sure that I understand this sex and love thing quite as well as I used to think I did.’
‘There isn’t a lot to understand about the sex side of it.’
‘You could have fooled me, Elaine.’ I ran my fingers slowly through her bush, and she spread her legs slightly in response.
‘Tabby, it is easy. You ask what pleases me, I ask what pleases you, you ask what doesn’t please me, and I ask what doesn’t please you. Then we both do what pleases each other, and don’t do what doesn’t. Most of life works like that, except that there are limits on what we can get away with doing to each other in public.’
I pursed my lips. ‘That’s why it is so easy with you. I enjoy having my nipples sucked and you enjoy sucking them.’
‘And with Toby? What’s the deal with him? Be honest.’
‘Ummm, I let him look after the running of a big house, I let him dress up as a woman, and despite the fact I love him, I only let him have sex with me on rare occasions when I am feeling sorry for him.’ I swallowed. ‘And the reason I feel sorry for him is because I feel guilty I can’t get past the idea of having sex with him while he is dressed as a woman, which is something I gave him permission to do in the first place. Not only that, I was the one who opened the door to sex for him, and then I promptly slammed it shut. How contrary is that?’
‘There is a bit of a compromise with Angela, too, isn’t there?’
‘She does stretch my boundaries a bit,’ I giggled and rolled onto my back. ‘But I freely admit to having discovered that I enjoy being on the passive end of soft dom far more than I ever could have imagined.’ I picked at the duvet. ‘Tabby, the control freak. Never in the world would any guy have got me dressed up as a nurse in someone else’s fantasy, and yet when Angie asked — there I was in a push up bra and a frilly hat.’ The thought made me smile. ‘I hate bras like that with a passion, it must be something to do with the way the other girls made fun of the size of my boobs at school. Did I ever tell you about that?’
‘No need. Been there, got the minimiser.’
I had a thought. ‘You know, I have decided that I like the idea of not having to be in charge, sometimes. It is a bit like being in bed with a really talented guy, when you have had so many orgasms that you don’t want to do any more than lie there and enjoy it. If the guy understands where you are and slows down it can be sublime — except that most guys seem to be congenitally unable to detect when you have got there.’
‘That is the gift that Angela and Toby have to give — they take the weight off you. Which is why I think a few compromises towards them might pay off all round. If you can accept learning to lie back and enjoy it more, that would be a result.’
Elaine wriggled down the bed and I opened my thighs so that her tongue could go to work. She parted my labia gently, and then I felt the softest of touches as the tip of her tongue traced its languorous way over the pink folds within. Neither of us were in a hurry, and it felt like heaven.
‘Does cunnilingus produce oxytocin?’ I asked, after a while.
‘Don’t care, but very possibly,’ replied Elaine. I could feel the tip of her nose brush against my clit with each slow stroke of her tongue.
‘Do you want to know something that I really like?’
‘This is really silly.’
She rested her chin on my mons and waited for me to continue.
‘Please don’t stop,’ I said, pushing her back down between my thighs. ‘That is so very nice. If you don’t mind carrying on like that, and let me come in my own time, and then I will do absolutely anything you want afterwards.’
‘So what do you really like?’ Elaine asked, changing her tactics slightly, and beginning a series of slow sweeps around my clit, which responded by standing on end.
‘You won’t laugh?’
‘Of course not.’
‘I absolutely love wearing stockings just because of the feel of them, and I love the feeling twice as much when I am having sex — the other night was heaven for me. The sensation of them sliding against each other just ticks my every box. The trouble is that guys ladder them in three seconds flat — it was years before I figured out that it it was going to happen every time because they have such rough hands.’
In response, Elaine got up. When she returned, she dropped a pair of black nylons on the bed beside me. As she sat on the edge of the bed, I rolled on my side to admire the swell of her hips and the curve of a boob as she bent a knee. She stood to adjust the band, before placing a neat set of pink toes on the mattress and shucking up the other stocking so that she could draw it on too. Her concentration was absolute, and as my gaze followed the tumble of her hair as it fell to hide her face, for a moment the rampant flowering of her labia was silhouetted against the light. I came, and it remains to this day the only time it has ever happened when I have been doing no more than watch someone.
Elaine looked up as my orgasm hit and gave me a broad smile. ‘Perhaps madame would like me to dress her?’ She piled her hair up, turning slightly against the light so that I could admire her boobs to best advantage.
I caved in, basking in the warm afterglow of my orgasm as Elaine attended to me. Then she went back to work again.
After a few seconds, a thought occurred to me. ‘This is lush, but isn’t it your turn now?’
‘Maybe, but it pleases me to please you — and I have never had anyone come just by looking at me before. So this is a special thank you for making me feel good.’ Her tongue became more and more insistent, applying firmer and firmer pressure, until my clit felt hot and so unbelievably sensitive that when I came again there were tears in my eyes and my whole body convulsed. I gave a loud gasp, and grabbed Elaine’s hair, and then I came again, with my thighs locked around her head so firmly that I had to force myself to relax for fear of hurting her. When I had recovered enough to look down, my chest was a mass of blotches, but there were no ladders to be seen on my hold ups.
Elaine rested her chin on my mons once more, and I couldn’t stop myself smiling at the growing familiarity of the sight. My clit was pressed wetly against her neck and I was praying that she wasn’t about to move, because if I came again so soon I would probably pee myself.
We contemplated each other in blissful silence for a moment, before Elaine said. ‘Can I tell you a stupid thing?’
‘How could I refuse?’
‘I don’t like wearing stockings in bed.’
‘So why are you doing it now?’
‘Because I know it pleases you.’
I brushed her hair out of her eyes. ‘Then thank you.’ I kissed the tip of my finger and planted it on her nose.
‘The way you feel now is the way Toby would feel, if you would only do for him what I have done for you, and open the door all the way for him to have sex with you the way he likes it best. It might seem like a big step to take, but you stand to gain almost as much as he does, and if you took that single step, the circle of his life would be complete, because the person who matters the most to him in the world would finally accept him as he is. And then, at long last, you would be able to take full advantage of everything that all the people who love you can offer.’
‘And what about Angie’s fem dom thing?’
‘Same rules, only it is a smaller hill to climb. Admit to yourself that it gives you a frisson of excitement, and give Angela permission to add some consensual soft dom to the schedule — and be prepared to try everything once.’
‘So am I gay, or straight, or whatever the Q thing is?’
‘Does it really matter? Labels are things that I wouldn’t worry about, to be honest. Look at me. I had never had sex with a woman before I met you, and now that I have, it hasn’t changed who I am, apart from making me more self-confident.’
I sighed. ‘Okay, I give in, perhaps I don’t sound so bad after all when you put it that way.’
‘One final point. Sex isn’t everything. Now how about giving me my ten o’clock comfort feed?’
I held her close, smoothing her hair while I enjoyed the sensation of her lips working against my nipple. ‘You know, Elaine, lately when you have been doing that, I can feel a sort of tingling feeling in my boobs — like little electric shocks. Almost painful, but not exactly unpleasant.’
Her eyes smiled, and when she looked up, her face was wet with my milk.
But that is another story.
Read on and discover what happened next in my life here:
Catch up with the earlier parts of my story here